self, self improvement

A Letter to Those I Have Hurt

I know that an apology isn’t nearly enough to make up for the pain and hurt I’ve caused each and every one of you. I know it doesn’t seem like it but I am really trying to be a better person than I was yesterday. There is no excuse or justification for my behaviors or what I’ve said. I own it. And now, I have to deal with the consequences of losing decent and good hearted people.

Growing up, I was bullied by other people. When I reached high school, I was the bully. As much as I regret that part of my life, I can’t take it back. And I want to sincerely apologize to those I treated poorly and unfairly.

I would do absolutely anything to make amends to those I bullied and hurt throughout high school. It eats at me every single day and I pray this reaches those who I need to make amends with.

I talked a lot of shit about people growing up and that didn’t stop til about 5 years ago which, to me, is still pretty recent. I was trying to be cool or act like a tough cookie, but it only made me that much more shallow and cowardly.

There’s no excuse for my actions and my heart breaks because of what I did. You all didn’t deserve that. And I’m truly sorry for talking shit about you for selfish reasons of wanting to be “cool” and “accepted”.

To my ex that I cheated on a long time ago (about 8-10 years ago), I am sorry for ruining the relationship and being selfish in thinking about my wants and needs only and not taking you into consideration. I caused you a lot of heartache and pain. I caused you to have trust issues that may have impacted your relationships after. But I pray and hope you have found someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and not someone like me.

To my ex-fiancé, I don’t know where or why we weren’t destined to be together but I did put forth every ounce of effort to making it work. That doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything wrong. I am sorry for not being fully honest about finances or bringing you in the loop of my plans. I know that you just wanted to be a part of my plan and my life in general but I held you at arms length. Not a day goes by that I don’t beat myself up over it.

To the few who’s presence in my life was short lived, I acted out and acted irrationally. I made false accusations and acted like a total bitch for no reason. I let my insecurities and fear get the best of me. You deserve to know how awesome you are and have people in your life that bring out your awesomeness. It’s going to be a long time before I am able to forgive myself for things I did and said. But please know that I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could. I’ve lost you already but I hope this was a learning experience and that I am different to those I cross paths with in the future.

I owe a million apologies to every member of my family for name calling, not being there all the time and taking advantage of your kindness. It wasn’t until I thought about why I continued to do the same thing over and over again. Of course I was grateful and appreciative of everything you all have done for me but I continued to make the same mistakes rather than own it and fix it. I promise from here on out, I will make the necessary changes in order to better my life and show you my gratitude rather than speak it. I love you all and I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done.

I know I have a long way to go in terms of changing to be a better person. I know it’s hard to believe but I’ve come a long way from who I was before. I’m a work in progress and now that I’m aware of my shitty and rude behaviors and actions, I promise all of you that I will not repeat those same mistakes again.

I hope this reaches all of you. I just want each and every one of you to know how truly sorry I am for hurting you and that I’ll do what I can in my control to make it right. I understand if you all don’t want to hear from me again and I’ll respect your wishes. But I do hope some of you will accept my apology and be a part of my journey to be a better person.

I know what I’ve done wrong in my life and now that I’ve identified those wrongs, I’m going to do everything I can to make things right. I have had more sleepless nights because the thought of hurting you all absolutely crushes my soul to pieces. I’ve cried until there were no more tears to come streaming down my face. I live with such regret. At times, I hate myself for the hurt I’ve put you all through.

Please know that I am deeply sorry for causing you any pain or suffering. I’ll never be the same now that I’ve come to an awareness of my behaviors and actions and how they’ve affected you all. Each one of you hold a special place in my heart that I will cherish for the rest of my life. You all are the reason I will do better tomorrow and the next day until my time comes to an end.

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