It had been several years since I saw your face. I think I tricked myself into believing you would be gone for good. But it’s almost like you’re lurking in the bushes waiting for the moment I show an ounce of vulnerability to strike. Will I ever be able to let my guard down without looking over my shoulder?
You’re like a never ending nightmare that I can’t wake up from. It doesn’t matter how loud I scream and pound on things, nothing will wake me up and you are always there. There are times when I feel you watching me while I’m sleeping. Your presence lingers and is never too far away.
Just when I start to think you have finally moved on or forgotten about me, you show up randomly. It’s like you’re letting me know you’re still around. It’s as if you know when I’m starting to feel better that you’ve been gone for a while and show up just to let it be known you’re around.
I don’t care about you or for you. I would love nothing more than for you to be out of my life permanently. You bring nothing but drama and chaos to my life. You have already made is extremely difficult for me to trust people let alone date without the fear or possibility you’ll show up and scare them away. And I can’t blame them for being scared even though I’m not. No one wants your drama in their lives including me.
Unfortunately, you are part of my past and I have to live with the consequences but no one else has to. I always wonder why you come back every so often and then I realize who I’m dealing with. A narcissistic sociopath who will continue to try and ruin my life as if the trauma from the past wasn’t enough.
You stared me straight in the eyes with such anger and rage. I can’t say I missed those looks nor deserved them. Every horrific and painful experience of your physical and emotional abuse suddenly came rushing to the forefront of my mind. I haven’t been able to get them out of my head since I saw you.
I felt sick to my stomach when I saw you. It was like my stomach turned into knots causing me to feel physically sick and nauseated. I quickly looked away, hoping you wouldn’t notice me as I changed my whole appearance because of you.
I changed my hair color and style. I changed my style of clothes. I wear sunglasses all the time. I avoid places I know you may be or show up at. And I was successful in avoiding you up until recently. Don’t you remember that I left you for a reason?
Do you remember the last time you saw me? You were holding a gun to my head. You had stole my personal and work cell phones on top of stealing my computer so I had no way of communicating with anyone. I had one moment to run like hell or stay and be held captive in your prison hell. I chose to book it and leave it up to the man upstairs to determine my fate.
I’m still alive, doing better and feeling much better than I ever have. Even though your shadows still haunt me in the night, today I have chosen to live peacefully and freely. Today I know that you are a sick, sick individual and that I have no control or power over your actions and behaviors. I can only control mine and how I react to things.
The day I left, fate was on my side. I have a bigger purpose to serve in this life and no one will prevent me from serving that purpose. You may have beaten me down temporarily, but because of you, I am stronger and wiser today. I am more aware and mindful of people and things. I found an inner peace I never thought was possible.
I can only hope you find same peace and joy I have found. You continue losing battles with your inner demons because you’re too fearful of becoming fully aware of the damage and trauma you caused me and others. I wish you find the strength and courage to face your demons and become aware so you are able to do right from here on out. Thanks to you, I’ve been able to defeat my inner demons and do right for myself and for others.
I can’t allow you to have this type of grip on my life anymore than it has already. I deserve peace and happiness and just because of the torturous things you did to me, doesn’t mean I have to let it affect my daily life. It ends today.
Fear will no longer be a part of my everyday life. Seeing you may have brought up the cruel and inhumane things you did to me, but thankfully I have grown enough to know that’s all they are, memories of the past that has shaped me to be the warrior I am today.