Every step forward follows three steps back. It never fails. I’ve come to accept that I’ll never be “normal” or that I’ll ever live a “normal” life. I’m okay with that. I could live being and feeling different than everyone else because I’ve done so all my life.
But here’s what I can’t do anymore and I am at a loss on where to go or what path to take. I absolutely cannot deal with the mental torture and imprisonment in my own mind. It’s almost as if I am watching myself die slowly.
I see so many other people happy in life and getting things (like the job they wanted) and seeing their hard work pay off. And please don’t think I want anything but that for them because I want everyone to find happiness and be content in their lives. I just find myself wondering “what did I do to deserve being imprisoned in my own head”?
I just really don’t think I was cut out for this life. At the same time, dying is easy and living is hard. I don’t want to give up the fight to live. And I won’t. But I’m writing this because so many people do not understand the depth of depression and the daily struggle it can be just to open and close your eyes.
At some point, enough is enough. People wonder “how could someone ever take their own life” or “I don’t understand why he/she just couldn’t push through it,”. Thankfully, those people don’t have the battle depression day in and day out and I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy.
No one deserves to be trapped in their own mind. No one deserves the sheer torture and misery of not being able to escape their own unimaginable thoughts and feelings, even if temporarily.
It’s bone crushing. It’s like endless nails on a chalkboard. It is always there. It is there when you wake up and it’s there while you sleep through your dreams and nightmares. No matter how hard you try, depression comes and strips you of the little hope you have left.
I was too greedy to keep a job I loved for a job that pays well. I was too unhealthy to complete my education so now a student loan is in default after multiple attempts to try and get it out of default without going bankrupt. Taking a shower has become exhausting in and of itself let alone trying to be presentable in public.
I find myself questioning my purpose in life because I literally feel like I contribute nothing to this world and people in it. It’s almost like I’m this annoying mosquito that just won’t leave you or anyone else alone.
Every day I wake up is literally the one reminder that I’m still around to be miserable inside and take every fiber of my existence to fake it on the outside.
Oh and guess what Ms. MaryAnne Williamson? I take medication and go to therapy and guess what? This empty feeling, unexplainable and overwhelming sadness is still there. Your experience is different than mine and probably others so please, don’t act as if those of us with depression are just not capable of handling “every day life struggles” because we’ve battled wars against ourselves since the moment we knew we weren’t like everyone else and that it’s not normal to feel this empty, hollow and utterly useless.
And no I don’t think popping a pill fixes depression for all but for those of us with chemical imbalances in our brains, it definitely helps take the edge off. Love can’t fix what is scientifically and anatomically different from what it is supposed to be. Sorry to break that to you. If you are not a credible mental health professional, do not give your unsolicited advice or opinions about mental health. It is potentially damaging to many suffering from depression.
To those who are struggling with depression in this very moment, I feel you. I hear your silent screams. We are trapped in our own mind and no amount of screams or cries for help can be heard. Depression, also known as a monster, makes it so no one can hear you. But even though I can’t hear you, I feel you pounding through my chest, fighting for your life each and every day. And because of that, you are my heroes.
At one time or another, many of us are going to have our hearts crushed by someone else. You’ll feel as if someone literally punched you in the gut. You may feel betrayed, lost or hopeless for quite some time. And I’m sorry you feel those things because it sucks. Take what I’ve learned and had to endure for what not to do when you’re heart has been stomped on.
My ex-fiancé and I were having our issues but never was it communicated or hinted that wewere on the verge of breaking up. In hindsight, my ex-fiancés actions and distance from me should have been a clue or two.
At the age of 30, I had to move back in with my parents after my ex walked out and left me high and dry without a word. I was devastated, humiliated and ashamed. My world and everything in it came crashing down in the snap of a finger.
After my ex left, I waited at “our” home for a few weeks, hoping and wishing he would come back. He didn’t. When I realized he wasn’t coming back, I attempted to end my life. Thankfully I have an amazing family who found me and helped me accept that it was time to leave and start the grieving process.
To this day, I am still processing what happened in that relationship as well as what I have and have not done to truly make it a part of my past as well as a learning experience for the future. The following list is what and what not to do after you have had your heart broken. It is my hope that this will help save you from making mistakes so you can focus solely on the process of letting go and moving on.
You do not need to distract yourself
The last thing you need is something to distract you from heartbreak. You need to process what happened and grieve the loss of someone who was in your life and I assume was very important to you. The last thing you need are unresolved feelings that will affect your future relationships.
I thought I needed to distract myself and I got nothing out of it. For me, I needed to prove (to no one in particular) that I was worthy and deserving. I started talking to different guys and ended up being in a “relationship” with one of them, if you can even call it that. The person I was with was absolutely awful. I think he was overall just not a good person. I think I stayed so long because I felt I wasn’t deserving of anything so proving my worth to whoever didn’t quite work out as I had planned.
The problem with distracting yourself is that you never heal the wounds of the past and they carry over into your current life. You need to feel the wide range of emotions you’ll feel if you ever have your heart broken. Distraction is only delaying the inevitable truth that you are going to have to deal with the breakup and heartbreak at some point so might as well do it now than later.
Allow yourself time to grieve
I know there are some people that do not fully understand what it means to grieve someone who is alive. Grief is commonly associated with death. According to dictionary.com, grief is “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret,”. So, many of us attribute grief with the death of a loved one because that’s the only type of grief we grew up knowing.
In order to process the separation, you can think of grieving the loss of a loved one because even though they may be alive, they have departed your life and are no longer a part of it. Just by acknowledging it takes you one step further than you were a second ago. Acceptance is the harder part of working through the heartbreak but in my opinion, acceptance is an everyday type of thing.
Analyze the relationship
You’re dealing with the heartbreak of a relationship ending and now you’re probably thinking “why the hell would I want to do that”? This right here is taking a sucky situation and making it a learning experience so at least you get something out of it.
Go over what you did right and what you did wrong. Be sure to include what they did right and wrong. It’ll give you insight into why things didn’t work out and what things you won’t bring into the next relationship you’re in. It will also help you define things you want and don’t want in relationships as well as things you are willing to compromise on and things you won’t compromise on.
Do not call, text or social media stalk your ex
I cannot stress this enough because I’ve been in this place and it has made me resent social media and can’t enjoy using it as I once did. You do not need to know what the other person is doing, who they are with, how they are doing or anything of that sort. If you decide to accidentally stumble upon their Facebook page, ask yourself if they are wondering how you are doing or if they care what you are doing. I am not sorry for being blunt but it is something you need to ask yourself from time to time.
You do not need to know anything related to that person anymore and frankly, it is none of your business.
So, I used to go on my ex’s Facebook page to see if he had changed his profile picture or to see what or if he posted since the last time I was stalking his page. Let me tell you that I was not fond of seeing the picture of him and his new girlfriend the last time I ever went on his Facebook page. It didn’t make me feel good so why did I even go on in the first place?
I recommend blocking them on all social media platforms and your phones. You already feel crappy enough about the situation so why make it anymore crappy or difficult to deal with? It makes no sense to add fuel to that fire.
While I could probably go on and on about what and what not to do during heartbreak, I’d rather provide you with the most crucial and critical things that helped me get to a point of acceptance and healing.
After my ex left, I became very bitter and resentful and not just toward him but everyone and everything in my life. It was unhealthy and led me down a scary path for a while. It was a lonely, dark and scary place to be in during that time.
The party isn’t fun when you’re locked inside of your room being pissed at the world. The world didn’t do this to you. It’s an unfortunate part of life most of us have to go through. The important part of the equation is which of you will take the time to heal or ignore it and have a lifetime of unhealthy relationships.
It has taken me a year to start writing this and I don’t know why. Maybe writing this and seeing it in black and white will somehow make me accept that you are gone and never coming back. I am so angry and I don’t know what or who I am angry with because it is kind of pointless to be angry at someone who can’t and won’t ever be able to defend themselves.
I keep replaying conversations between you and I right before you left this world. What did I miss? Why didn’t I realize something wasn’t right and listen to my gut? Why couldn’t you just reach out to me, like you always did, when you were spiraling out of control? You know damn well I would have been wherever you needed me to be in a heartbeat because I always have been and vice-versa.
From the moment I met you over a decade ago, you had my heart. Yes, we dated first but first and foremost, we were best friends before and after our relationship. We saw each other through some of the worst and best times of our lives and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. When I found out you were gone and I was never going to hear your voice or see your bright, beautiful blue eyes again, I realized my life was never going to be the same without you.
You taught me what friendship was supposed to be and not what I had concocted in my twisted brain. You were one of my biggest cheerleaders and always one of the first to tell me how proud you were of me. I wish I told you how proud of you I was more than I did. I honestly just never thought this day would come. How naïve of me to think that way.
Since the day I met you, there was a demon you had been battling day in and day out and despite the outcome, you put up one hell of a fight my friend. But in the end, what caused you so much pain, agony and despair was the thing that killed you. Your fight against heroin is admirable and it took every ounce of strength and courage you had, even when you couldn’t find it. I can only hope that you are at peace now, but you will be missed every single day and you were always loved by me.
I am so grateful to have had you in my life for as long as I did. At times, you really were my rock when I was unable to stand on my own. You gave me courage and strength when I was heading down a dark and dangerous path. I wish I could have done the same for you. You are NOT going to be just another statistic in the opioid epidemic. Your passing will be more than a number, I am giving you my word on that. Have I ever broken any promises I made? You know I take promises very seriously and when someone breaks a promise, it speaks volumes.
The opioid epidemic had officially crossed my path on a personal level the day you went away. I can only hope to have half of the strength you had during your fight and hopefully save a life. You know me, I want to save the world but I know that I can’t. But if one person can be spared the vicious and destructive path of addiction by mine and others advocacy and voices, I am okay with that. But I won’t stop there.
You and your life experiences WILL NOT be just a number that people use in research papers with no solutions or plan of action to attack this opioid epidemic straight on. I promise you that. I will miss you every day and I hope you know how much I loved you and cared about you. Be in peace, now.
It had been several years since I saw your face. I think I tricked myself into believing you would be gone for good. But it’s almost like you’re lurking in the bushes waiting for the moment I show an ounce of vulnerability to strike. Will I ever be able to let my guard down without looking over my shoulder?
You’re like a never ending nightmare that I can’t wake up from. It doesn’t matter how loud I scream and pound on things, nothing will wake me up and you are always there. There are times when I feel you watching me while I’m sleeping. Your presence lingers and is never too far away.
Just when I start to think you have finally moved on or forgotten about me, you show up randomly. It’s like you’re letting me know you’re still around. It’s as if you know when I’m starting to feel better that you’ve been gone for a while and show up just to let it be known you’re around.
I don’t care about you or for you. I would love nothing more than for you to be out of my life permanently. You bring nothing but drama and chaos to my life. You have already made is extremely difficult for me to trust people let alone date without the fear or possibility you’ll show up and scare them away. And I can’t blame them for being scared even though I’m not. No one wants your drama in their lives including me.
Unfortunately, you are part of my past and I have to live with the consequences but no one else has to. I always wonder why you come back every so often and then I realize who I’m dealing with. A narcissistic sociopath who will continue to try and ruin my life as if the trauma from the past wasn’t enough.
You stared me straight in the eyes with such anger and rage. I can’t say I missed those looks nor deserved them. Every horrific and painful experience of your physical and emotional abuse suddenly came rushing to the forefront of my mind. I haven’t been able to get them out of my head since I saw you.
I felt sick to my stomach when I saw you. It was like my stomach turned into knots causing me to feel physically sick and nauseated. I quickly looked away, hoping you wouldn’t notice me as I changed my whole appearance because of you.
I changed my hair color and style. I changed my style of clothes. I wear sunglasses all the time. I avoid places I know you may be or show up at. And I was successful in avoiding you up until recently. Don’t you remember that I left you for a reason?
Do you remember the last time you saw me? You were holding a gun to my head. You had stole my personal and work cell phones on top of stealing my computer so I had no way of communicating with anyone. I had one moment to run like hell or stay and be held captive in your prison hell. I chose to book it and leave it up to the man upstairs to determine my fate.
I’m still alive, doing better and feeling much better than I ever have. Even though your shadows still haunt me in the night, today I have chosen to live peacefully and freely. Today I know that you are a sick, sick individual and that I have no control or power over your actions and behaviors. I can only control mine and how I react to things.
The day I left, fate was on my side. I have a bigger purpose to serve in this life and no one will prevent me from serving that purpose. You may have beaten me down temporarily, but because of you, I am stronger and wiser today. I am more aware and mindful of people and things. I found an inner peace I never thought was possible.
I can only hope you find same peace and joy I have found. You continue losing battles with your inner demons because you’re too fearful of becoming fully aware of the damage and trauma you caused me and others. I wish you find the strength and courage to face your demons and become aware so you are able to do right from here on out. Thanks to you, I’ve been able to defeat my inner demons and do right for myself and for others.
I can’t allow you to have this type of grip on my life anymore than it has already. I deserve peace and happiness and just because of the torturous things you did to me, doesn’t mean I have to let it affect my daily life. It ends today.
Fear will no longer be a part of my everyday life. Seeing you may have brought up the cruel and inhumane things you did to me, but thankfully I have grown enough to know that’s all they are, memories of the past that has shaped me to be the warrior I am today.