What You Need To Know About Healing From Heartbreak

At one time or another, many of us are going to have our hearts crushed by someone else. You’ll feel as if someone literally punched you in the gut. You may feel betrayed, lost or hopeless for quite some time. And I’m sorry you feel those things because it sucks. Take what I’ve learned and had to endure for what not to do when you’re heart has been stomped on.

My ex-fiancé and I were having our issues but never was it communicated or hinted that wewere on the verge of breaking up. In hindsight, my ex-fiancés actions and distance from me should have been a clue or two.

At the age of 30, I had to move back in with my parents after my ex walked out and left me high and dry without a word. I was devastated, humiliated and ashamed. My world and everything in it came crashing down in the snap of a finger.

After my ex left, I waited at “our” home for a few weeks, hoping and wishing he would come back. He didn’t. When I realized he wasn’t coming back, I attempted to end my life. Thankfully I have an amazing family who found me and helped me accept that it was time to leave and start the grieving process.

To this day, I am still processing what happened in that relationship as well as what I have and have not done to truly make it a part of my past as well as a learning experience for the future. The following list is what and what not to do after you have had your heart broken. It is my hope that this will help save you from making mistakes so you can focus solely on the process of letting go and moving on.

You do not need to distract yourself

The last thing you need is something to distract you from heartbreak. You need to process what happened and grieve the loss of someone who was in your life and I assume was very important to you. The last thing you need are unresolved feelings that will affect your future relationships.

I thought I needed to distract myself and I got nothing out of it. For me, I needed to prove (to no one in particular) that I was worthy and deserving. I started talking to different guys and ended up being in a “relationship” with one of them, if you can even call it that. The person I was with was absolutely awful. I think he was overall just not a good person. I think I stayed so long because I felt I wasn’t deserving of anything so proving my worth to whoever didn’t quite work out as I had planned.

The problem with distracting yourself is that you never heal the wounds of the past and they carry over into your current life. You need to feel the wide range of emotions you’ll feel if you ever have your heart broken. Distraction is only delaying the inevitable truth that you are going to have to deal with the breakup and heartbreak at some point so might as well do it now than later.

Allow yourself time to grieve

I know there are some people that do not fully understand what it means to grieve someone who is alive. Grief is commonly associated with death. According to dictionary.com, grief is “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret,”. So, many of us attribute grief with the death of a loved one because that’s the only type of grief we grew up knowing.

In order to process the separation, you can think of grieving the loss of a loved one because even though they may be alive, they have departed your life and are no longer a part of it. Just by acknowledging it takes you one step further than you were a second ago. Acceptance is the harder part of working through the heartbreak but in my opinion, acceptance is an everyday type of thing.

Analyze the relationship

You’re dealing with the heartbreak of a relationship ending and now you’re probably thinking “why the hell would I want to do that”? This right here is taking a sucky situation and making it a learning experience so at least you get something out of it.

Go over what you did right and what you did wrong. Be sure to include what they did right and wrong. It’ll give you insight into why things didn’t work out and what things you won’t bring into the next relationship you’re in. It will also help you define things you want and don’t want in relationships as well as things you are willing to compromise on and things you won’t compromise on.

Do not call, text or social media stalk your ex

I cannot stress this enough because I’ve been in this place and it has made me resent social media and can’t enjoy using it as I once did. You do not need to know what the other person is doing, who they are with, how they are doing or anything of that sort. If you decide to accidentally stumble upon their Facebook page, ask yourself if they are wondering how you are doing or if they care what you are doing. I am not sorry for being blunt but it is something you need to ask yourself from time to time.

You do not need to know anything related to that person anymore and frankly, it is none of your business.

So, I used to go on my ex’s Facebook page to see if he had changed his profile picture or to see what or if he posted since the last time I was stalking his page. Let me tell you that I was not fond of seeing the picture of him and his new girlfriend the last time I ever went on his Facebook page. It didn’t make me feel good so why did I even go on in the first place?

I recommend blocking them on all social media platforms and your phones. You already feel crappy enough about the situation so why make it anymore crappy or difficult to deal with? It makes no sense to add fuel to that fire.

Final Words

While I could probably go on and on about what and what not to do during heartbreak, I’d rather provide you with the most crucial and critical things that helped me get to a point of acceptance and healing.

After my ex left, I became very bitter and resentful and not just toward him but everyone and everything in my life. It was unhealthy and led me down a scary path for a while. It was a lonely, dark and scary place to be in during that time.

The party isn’t fun when you’re locked inside of your room being pissed at the world. The world didn’t do this to you. It’s an unfortunate part of life most of us have to go through. The important part of the equation is which of you will take the time to heal or ignore it and have a lifetime of unhealthy relationships.

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You No Longer Hold Me Prisoner

It had been several years since I saw your face. I think I tricked myself into believing you would be gone for good. But it’s almost like you’re lurking in the bushes waiting for the moment I show an ounce of vulnerability to strike. Will I ever be able to let my guard down without looking over my shoulder?

You’re like a never ending nightmare that I can’t wake up from. It doesn’t matter how loud I scream and pound on things, nothing will wake me up and you are always there. There are times when I feel you watching me while I’m sleeping. Your presence lingers and is never too far away.

Just when I start to think you have finally moved on or forgotten about me, you show up randomly. It’s like you’re letting me know you’re still around. It’s as if you know when I’m starting to feel better that you’ve been gone for a while and show up just to let it be known you’re around.

I don’t care about you or for you. I would love nothing more than for you to be out of my life permanently. You bring nothing but drama and chaos to my life. You have already made is extremely difficult for me to trust people let alone date without the fear or possibility you’ll show up and scare them away. And I can’t blame them for being scared even though I’m not. No one wants your drama in their lives including me.

Unfortunately, you are part of my past and I have to live with the consequences but no one else has to. I always wonder why you come back every so often and then I realize who I’m dealing with. A narcissistic sociopath who will continue to try and ruin my life as if the trauma from the past wasn’t enough.

You stared me straight in the eyes with such anger and rage. I can’t say I missed those looks nor deserved them. Every horrific and painful experience of your physical and emotional abuse suddenly came rushing to the forefront of my mind. I haven’t been able to get them out of my head since I saw you.

I felt sick to my stomach when I saw you. It was like my stomach turned into knots causing me to feel physically sick and nauseated. I quickly looked away, hoping you wouldn’t notice me as I changed my whole appearance because of you.

I changed my hair color and style. I changed my style of clothes. I wear sunglasses all the time. I avoid places I know you may be or show up at. And I was successful in avoiding you up until recently. Don’t you remember that I left you for a reason?

Do you remember the last time you saw me? You were holding a gun to my head. You had stole my personal and work cell phones on top of stealing my computer so I had no way of communicating with anyone. I had one moment to run like hell or stay and be held captive in your prison hell. I chose to book it and leave it up to the man upstairs to determine my fate.

I’m still alive, doing better and feeling much better than I ever have. Even though your shadows still haunt me in the night, today I have chosen to live peacefully and freely. Today I know that you are a sick, sick individual and that I have no control or power over your actions and behaviors. I can only control mine and how I react to things.

The day I left, fate was on my side. I have a bigger purpose to serve in this life and no one will prevent me from serving that purpose. You may have beaten me down temporarily, but because of you, I am stronger and wiser today. I am more aware and mindful of people and things. I found an inner peace I never thought was possible.

I can only hope you find same peace and joy I have found. You continue losing battles with your inner demons because you’re too fearful of becoming fully aware of the damage and trauma you caused me and others. I wish you find the strength and courage to face your demons and become aware so you are able to do right from here on out. Thanks to you, I’ve been able to defeat my inner demons and do right for myself and for others.

I can’t allow you to have this type of grip on my life anymore than it has already. I deserve peace and happiness and just because of the torturous things you did to me, doesn’t mean I have to let it affect my daily life. It ends today.

Fear will no longer be a part of my everyday life. Seeing you may have brought up the cruel and inhumane things you did to me, but thankfully I have grown enough to know that’s all they are, memories of the past that has shaped me to be the warrior I am today.

The Ultimate Self-Care List for Everyone

Self-care is something that many of us don’t do enough of. I’ll admit that I have been slacking in the self-care department recently. I am going to work on that and now that this mega-list of ideas and activities is out there, I am hoping you can also work on your self-care.

Not every activity or idea is going to be for everyone. Pick and choose what you want. You do not have to do them all.

  • Watch your favorite movie
  • Go for a walk without your phone
  • Turn off your phone for a few hours
  • Take a bath or bubble bath
  • Do something you’ve always wanted to do for the first time
  • Read a good book
  • Take a nap
  • Get into some comfy clothes
  • Binge watch your favorite show on Netflix
  • Spend time with a friend or family member
  • Write down a list of things you are thankful for
  • Take time to be alone, away from other people
  • List 10 things you are grateful for
  • Unfollow negative people on social media
  • Write in a journal
  • Color in a coloring book
  • Play a board game
  • Get a mani/pedi
  • Go braless!
  • Call someone and check in
  • Create positive affirmations for yourself
  • Write yourself a love letter
  • Do something you love
  • Listen to music
  • Buy yourself something
  • Write a thank you letter or note to someone
  • Do some deep breathing
  • Write down 5 things you love about yourself
  • De-clutter something
  • Buy yourself flowers
  • Take a class for fun
  • Do a fun craft
  • Set up a boundary list for people in your life
  • Plan a mini staycation
  • Create a self-love jar or box
  • Go on a date – either with yourself or someone else
  • Watch the sunset or sunrise
  • Write down some things you have learned about yourself the past year
  • Plan a movie night
  • Sleep in on the weekend
  • Organize your closet
  • Try a new recipe
  • Do something that you’ve been putting off for a while
  • Slow down and be present
  • Treat yourself to your favorite dessert
  • Go to a museum
  • Watch a stand-up comedy show
  • Make a playlist of your favorite songs at the moment
  • Go to your favorite coffee shop and get your favorite kind
  • Spend some time in the sun
  • Get your hair done
  • Play with a pet (obviously if you have one)
  • Have a spa day
  • Play a sport
  • Go to a sporting event
  • Go for a long drive
  • Paint something
  • Bake something
  • Shop for a new outfit
  • Engage in a complete random act of kindness
  • Get a massage
  • Order your favorite takeout food
  • Go swimming
  • Write a poem
  • Watch the stars at night
  • Go to the library
  • Go to the park
  • Ride a bike
  • Read a self-improvement book
  • Listen to a new podcast
  • Create a bucket list
  • Visit somewhere new, anywhere!
  • Read inspirational quotes
  • Complete a simple reflection of your life
  • Unplug from social media
  • Make future plans for an event or something you’re excited about
  • Do yoga
  • No feeling guilty for turning down plans
  • Remind yourself that this too shall pass
  • Visit your favorite place around you
  • Identify and write down activities and things that you enjoy
  • Do not force yourself to do anything you don’t want to do
  • Take a day off of work if you need to
  • Go on a hike
  • Start a home improvement project
  • Do breathing exercises
  • Take a new fitness class
  • Go to see live music
  • Have a picnic
  • Say no to something
  • Go dancing!
  • Participate in guided meditation
  • Browse a bookstore
  • Go out and get some ice cream
  • Try a new craft beer
  • Volunteer at a place by you
  • Take a long shower
  • Look at pictures and reminisce about the good memories
  • Visit a winery
  • Buy a small gift for someone
  • Make a list of what makes you happy
  • Burn your favorite scented candle
  • Go to the beach
  • Pick a guilty pleasure and indulge it every so often
  • Visit an art gallery
  • Close your eyes for 5-10 minutes
  • Get dressed up for no reason
  • Take a walk in the forest
  • Give yourself a pep talk
  • Make a present for a friend
  • Make funny faces
  • Run outside when it’s raining
  • Re-purpose some old clothes
  • Set a realistic challenge for yourself for the next day
  • Rearrange some furniture
  • Have a candlelit dinner
  • Put your feet up for a night
  • Organize your workspace
  • Start a spare piggy pank
  • Be mindful of current feelings and emotions
  • Create a new Pinterest board
  • Sell some second hand stuff online
  • Pop some bubble wrap
  • Literally stop and smell the flowers
  • End a toxic relationship
  • Hire/get a life coach
  • Get a good night’s sleep
  • Drive around and sing in the car
  • Say “I love you” to yourself in the mirror
  • Forgive yourself
  • Give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing
  • Have a good cry (we all need a good cry every once in a while)
  • Play with stickers
  • Get your favorite stuffed animal or cuddle buddy and snuggle
  • Read some pick me up blogs
  • Write or type a short story
  • Do a crossword puzzle or some other puzzle type game
  • Start a blog
  • Cancel some subscriptions you are no longer using
  • Make a list of at least 10 things you want to do by the time the year is over
  • Take some pictures of anything your heart desires
  • Say “fuck it” to anything that is not contributing to your self-care
  • Watch funny videos on YouTube
  • Look at funny memes
  • Get a personal growth tarot reading
  • Get your groceries delivered
  • Eat cake for breakfast
  • Diffuse essential oils
  • Go through a stretching routine
  • Go on a retreat
  • Replace every negative thought with a positive one
  • Go to the ballet, theatre or comedy show
  • Celebrate a small achievement
  • Host a charity or something related fundraiser
  • Slow down
  • Go to a petting zoo or farm

There you have it ladies and gentleman! These are activities that should be recurrent whether it’s once a month or once a week. Some of the ideas and activities more than others, obviously. I truly believe that if you engage in just a little self-care, your overall mood and happiness will increase. I’m willing to try any challenges readers may have or if they just need someone to check in with!

Don’t Be Afraid To Date Someone Who’s Been Screwed Over

Why are some people so afraid of dating the girl who got screwed over? I’ve heard some people say “she’s probably too emotional and unstable right now” and “she’s probably crazy”. Well, she’s not.

She’s not broken and if she is, she isn’t asking you to fix her or put her back together. She is fully capable of doing that on her own. You can even join her journey of rebuilding herself. But do NOT interfere with that.

She’s not broken. She had some plans in life that didn’t go as expected. Does that really mean she’s broken? Does that mean she is emotionally unstable? Absolutely not.

If you decide to join her on her journey, you may find yourself learning from her and growing as a person. She may begin deciphering between what she wants and doesn’t want in a relationship or life in general.

Just because she’s in the process of rebuilding herself does not mean she doesn’t already love herself. There may just need to be some minor adjustments to her or her life. And if she loves herself, she is more capable of fully loving you than some others who don’t know who they are or who they want to be.

She’ll always have her core sense of self but life doesn’t always go according to plan. We also change throughout life, so we’re constantly revising ourselves and our wants/needs and likes/dislikes.

You think she’s emotionally fragile and vulnerable because she isn’t the person she fully wants to be today? She very well might be. But that’s the type of girl who is in tune with herself and capable of loving another selflessly.

She’s rebuilding herself in hopes for a better tomorrow and day after that. She is learning to grow and adapt to changes in her life. She is resilient.

While you doubt her ability to fully love you in a selfless manner, she’s slipping further and further away from you and you may lose your chance all together.

Maybe she considers herself broken. And that’s okay. It means the pieces are still around her so she can put them where they fit.

Someone who’s been broken or decided to rebuild themselves are the strongest and most dedicated people out there.

They see something isn’t right and they WANT to fix it. And the best part is that they’re doing it for themselves and those around them. The girl you think is so unstable may be the one who could change your entire world and you’re letting her slip by.

She will love you selflessly but also fearlessly. She will show you strength and she will show you vulnerability. This girl will show you many different ways of life that you’ll be speechless.

Don’t let her get away. Pursue her. Don’t try to fix her or repair her. She doesn’t need that. What she needs is support and a shoulder to lean on here and there.

She has been temporarily knocked down by this thing called life, but she has fought and conquered and will continue to do so as she rebuilds herself. This girl may not be her full self yet, but she is definitely ahead of others because she loves herself regardless of the changes needed to be made or what life has thrown her way.

She’s a fucking warrior. And warriors are capable of fully loving another person. They’re capable of selflessness. Because they know what it’s like to be knocked down and refuses to succumb to life’s curveballs.

“You Don’t Look Sick,” and You Don’t Look Ignorant

I used to be the girl who never wore make up and could walk into a room full of people with no problem. I had next to perfect skin and a smile to match. Unfortunately, life happens and things change as quickly as my health did. Now I’m the girl who takes hours to get ready, just trying to look somewhat decent and function as a regular human being.

So who are you to say I don’t “look sick?” I wasn’t asking for your unsolicited opinion about how I look. And just by seeing my face, hair and the clothing I wear doesn’t mean you know anything about how I feel or what my body goes through on a daily basis.

You can’t see my legs, feet or back to see the damage that has been done due to my health. You also can’t feel the pounding in my head as if I’m getting hit with a baseball bat to the head over and over again.

You don’t even come close to feeling the pain and weakness in my hands and wrists I suffer through all day. You don’t see the bruising on my legs and arms from the anemia. You don’t see my feet and how it feels like I’m walking on pins and needles that are on fire from the peripheral neuropathy I suffer from.

You don’t know the brain fog or memory loss I’ve suffered from a rare neurological condition. You don’t know the multiple vitamin deficiencies I have because I can’t absorb vitamins like you.

It’s much easier to judge someone than to try and feel their pain. Saying “you don’t look sick” doesn’t make me feel any better about the health conditions I have.

Despite my health issues, the real struggle is learning to adapt to everyday life. The real struggle is my head telling my body to do something that I can no longer do.

The real struggle is learning that people are not always going to stand by my side through this difficult time. I’ve had more people than I can count walk out of my life because they either thought I’d hold them back in life or because I couldn’t physically do the things they wanted to do.

The emotional and mental aspects of health issues is equally if not more of a struggle. It’s a vicious cycle of health issues that worsen because of depression and anxiety.

Also, when diagnosed with health conditions, no one really tells you that you become a burden to friends. Or that significant others start to feel like you’re holding them back. That becomes a reality for some people and maybe not for others, but for the ones it does happen to, it’s a double whammy of shit you have to deal with.

Ignorance isn’t visible to the human eye either. Every time you tell someone they don’t look sick or judge a younger person for using a handicap sticker, you’re part of the ignorance problem so many have in this world.

You don’t know anyone’s struggle or what they’re battling at the time. It’s not your place to judge them or tell them ‘they don’t look sick.’ So many people are fighting daily battles both physically and mentally so who gave you the right to judge?

The next time someone says ‘you don’t look sick’, I will respond with ‘you don’t look ignorant, but looks are deceiving’. This is for all of my warriors who fight everyday to live despite the limitations we face. You all are the true warriors in this life.