Depression is Brutal

Every step forward follows three steps back. It never fails. I’ve come to accept that I’ll never be “normal” or that I’ll ever live a “normal” life. I’m okay with that. I could live being and feeling different than everyone else because I’ve done so all my life.

But here’s what I can’t do anymore and I am at a loss on where to go or what path to take. I absolutely cannot deal with the mental torture and imprisonment in my own mind. It’s almost as if I am watching myself die slowly.

I see so many other people happy in life and getting things (like the job they wanted) and seeing their hard work pay off. And please don’t think I want anything but that for them because I want everyone to find happiness and be content in their lives. I just find myself wondering “what did I do to deserve being imprisoned in my own head”?

I just really don’t think I was cut out for this life. At the same time, dying is easy and living is hard. I don’t want to give up the fight to live. And I won’t. But I’m writing this because so many people do not understand the depth of depression and the daily struggle it can be just to open and close your eyes.

At some point, enough is enough. People wonder “how could someone ever take their own life” or “I don’t understand why he/she just couldn’t push through it,”. Thankfully, those people don’t have the battle depression day in and day out and I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy.

No one deserves to be trapped in their own mind. No one deserves the sheer torture and misery of not being able to escape their own unimaginable thoughts and feelings, even if temporarily.

It’s bone crushing. It’s like endless nails on a chalkboard. It is always there. It is there when you wake up and it’s there while you sleep through your dreams and nightmares. No matter how hard you try, depression comes and strips you of the little hope you have left.

I was too greedy to keep a job I loved for a job that pays well. I was too unhealthy to complete my education so now a student loan is in default after multiple attempts to try and get it out of default without going bankrupt. Taking a shower has become exhausting in and of itself let alone trying to be presentable in public.

I find myself questioning my purpose in life because I literally feel like I contribute nothing to this world and people in it. It’s almost like I’m this annoying mosquito that just won’t leave you or anyone else alone.

Every day I wake up is literally the one reminder that I’m still around to be miserable inside and take every fiber of my existence to fake it on the outside.

Oh and guess what Ms. MaryAnne Williamson? I take medication and go to therapy and guess what? This empty feeling, unexplainable and overwhelming sadness is still there. Your experience is different than mine and probably others so please, don’t act as if those of us with depression are just not capable of handling “every day life struggles” because we’ve battled wars against ourselves since the moment we knew we weren’t like everyone else and that it’s not normal to feel this empty, hollow and utterly useless.

And no I don’t think popping a pill fixes depression for all but for those of us with chemical imbalances in our brains, it definitely helps take the edge off. Love can’t fix what is scientifically and anatomically different from what it is supposed to be. Sorry to break that to you. If you are not a credible mental health professional, do not give your unsolicited advice or opinions about mental health. It is potentially damaging to many suffering from depression.

To those who are struggling with depression in this very moment, I feel you. I hear your silent screams. We are trapped in our own mind and no amount of screams or cries for help can be heard. Depression, also known as a monster, makes it so no one can hear you. But even though I can’t hear you, I feel you pounding through my chest, fighting for your life each and every day. And because of that, you are my heroes.

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The Ultimate Self-Care List for Everyone

Self-care is something that many of us don’t do enough of. I’ll admit that I have been slacking in the self-care department recently. I am going to work on that and now that this mega-list of ideas and activities is out there, I am hoping you can also work on your self-care.

Not every activity or idea is going to be for everyone. Pick and choose what you want. You do not have to do them all.

  • Watch your favorite movie
  • Go for a walk without your phone
  • Turn off your phone for a few hours
  • Take a bath or bubble bath
  • Do something you’ve always wanted to do for the first time
  • Read a good book
  • Take a nap
  • Get into some comfy clothes
  • Binge watch your favorite show on Netflix
  • Spend time with a friend or family member
  • Write down a list of things you are thankful for
  • Take time to be alone, away from other people
  • List 10 things you are grateful for
  • Unfollow negative people on social media
  • Write in a journal
  • Color in a coloring book
  • Play a board game
  • Get a mani/pedi
  • Go braless!
  • Call someone and check in
  • Create positive affirmations for yourself
  • Write yourself a love letter
  • Do something you love
  • Listen to music
  • Buy yourself something
  • Write a thank you letter or note to someone
  • Do some deep breathing
  • Write down 5 things you love about yourself
  • De-clutter something
  • Buy yourself flowers
  • Take a class for fun
  • Do a fun craft
  • Set up a boundary list for people in your life
  • Plan a mini staycation
  • Create a self-love jar or box
  • Go on a date – either with yourself or someone else
  • Watch the sunset or sunrise
  • Write down some things you have learned about yourself the past year
  • Plan a movie night
  • Sleep in on the weekend
  • Organize your closet
  • Try a new recipe
  • Do something that you’ve been putting off for a while
  • Slow down and be present
  • Treat yourself to your favorite dessert
  • Go to a museum
  • Watch a stand-up comedy show
  • Make a playlist of your favorite songs at the moment
  • Go to your favorite coffee shop and get your favorite kind
  • Spend some time in the sun
  • Get your hair done
  • Play with a pet (obviously if you have one)
  • Have a spa day
  • Play a sport
  • Go to a sporting event
  • Go for a long drive
  • Paint something
  • Bake something
  • Shop for a new outfit
  • Engage in a complete random act of kindness
  • Get a massage
  • Order your favorite takeout food
  • Go swimming
  • Write a poem
  • Watch the stars at night
  • Go to the library
  • Go to the park
  • Ride a bike
  • Read a self-improvement book
  • Listen to a new podcast
  • Create a bucket list
  • Visit somewhere new, anywhere!
  • Read inspirational quotes
  • Complete a simple reflection of your life
  • Unplug from social media
  • Make future plans for an event or something you’re excited about
  • Do yoga
  • No feeling guilty for turning down plans
  • Remind yourself that this too shall pass
  • Visit your favorite place around you
  • Identify and write down activities and things that you enjoy
  • Do not force yourself to do anything you don’t want to do
  • Take a day off of work if you need to
  • Go on a hike
  • Start a home improvement project
  • Do breathing exercises
  • Take a new fitness class
  • Go to see live music
  • Have a picnic
  • Say no to something
  • Go dancing!
  • Participate in guided meditation
  • Browse a bookstore
  • Go out and get some ice cream
  • Try a new craft beer
  • Volunteer at a place by you
  • Take a long shower
  • Look at pictures and reminisce about the good memories
  • Visit a winery
  • Buy a small gift for someone
  • Make a list of what makes you happy
  • Burn your favorite scented candle
  • Go to the beach
  • Pick a guilty pleasure and indulge it every so often
  • Visit an art gallery
  • Close your eyes for 5-10 minutes
  • Get dressed up for no reason
  • Take a walk in the forest
  • Give yourself a pep talk
  • Make a present for a friend
  • Make funny faces
  • Run outside when it’s raining
  • Re-purpose some old clothes
  • Set a realistic challenge for yourself for the next day
  • Rearrange some furniture
  • Have a candlelit dinner
  • Put your feet up for a night
  • Organize your workspace
  • Start a spare piggy pank
  • Be mindful of current feelings and emotions
  • Create a new Pinterest board
  • Sell some second hand stuff online
  • Pop some bubble wrap
  • Literally stop and smell the flowers
  • End a toxic relationship
  • Hire/get a life coach
  • Get a good night’s sleep
  • Drive around and sing in the car
  • Say “I love you” to yourself in the mirror
  • Forgive yourself
  • Give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing
  • Have a good cry (we all need a good cry every once in a while)
  • Play with stickers
  • Get your favorite stuffed animal or cuddle buddy and snuggle
  • Read some pick me up blogs
  • Write or type a short story
  • Do a crossword puzzle or some other puzzle type game
  • Start a blog
  • Cancel some subscriptions you are no longer using
  • Make a list of at least 10 things you want to do by the time the year is over
  • Take some pictures of anything your heart desires
  • Say “fuck it” to anything that is not contributing to your self-care
  • Watch funny videos on YouTube
  • Look at funny memes
  • Get a personal growth tarot reading
  • Get your groceries delivered
  • Eat cake for breakfast
  • Diffuse essential oils
  • Go through a stretching routine
  • Go on a retreat
  • Replace every negative thought with a positive one
  • Go to the ballet, theatre or comedy show
  • Celebrate a small achievement
  • Host a charity or something related fundraiser
  • Slow down
  • Go to a petting zoo or farm

There you have it ladies and gentleman! These are activities that should be recurrent whether it’s once a month or once a week. Some of the ideas and activities more than others, obviously. I truly believe that if you engage in just a little self-care, your overall mood and happiness will increase. I’m willing to try any challenges readers may have or if they just need someone to check in with!

You May Not Have Thought I Was Worth It, But Someone Will

You may not have thought I was worth the fight. Well, obviously you didn’t because we wouldn’t be where we are right now if you did. I put my worth in the hands of you, a miserable and condescending douche, so I should have known my worth was next to nothing to you. You’re loss. Someone will see my worth and treat me as such.

Every time I brought up my feelings about something or that I was upset, you immediately went on the defense and blamed me. You’re lack of acknowledgment was telling enough of how much you thought I was worth.

You ignored anything I was going through and found something to make it about you. And when you did that, I actually sat there and listened and comforted you as a good girlfriend would. But in hindsight, you didn’t give a shit about anything I went through or any of the struggles I conquered everyday. That says what you thought I was worth. Nothing.

You said I was overreacting and overly sensitive. You said I was reading into things too much. But turns out, I wasn’t. I wasn’t worth the conversation when you decided to up and leave. Goes to show my worth to you throughout the entire relationship.

You never had my back. I was fighting battles that your friends and family started with me while you sat on the sidelines and watched as if it were a match. I wasn’t worth defending in your eyes.

Because of the hell you put me through, I am now the one and only holder of my worth. I have defined my worth and no one will ever be in charge of that again. Side note, it was you that wasn’t worth it.

Someone will appreciate my sarcasm and brutal honesty. Someone will notice the small things I do for them on a consistent basis. You never did and for that, you didn’t deserve me.

There is someone out there who will be able to see past my mistakes and help me instead of throw me to the curb. Someone won’t judge my past or my background and see me for the strong and passionate person I am. You couldn’t see that and clearly it wasn’t worth it to see. But it will be to someone. You’re loss again, buddy.

You’ll never find someone as chill and laid back as me. You’ll never find someone who thinks the world of you and would put you over their own issues any day.

I am for sure worth more than you ever cared to realize. I was the one who was too good for you. You didn’t deserve me or anything I gave you materialistically or emotionally.

So, thanks to you, I’ll never settle for “okay”. I deserve much, much more than I ever gave myself credit for. But because you treated me like a worthless piece of shit, I was able to find my worth from within.

In the end, I ended up gaining so much more without you in my life then when you were in it. My worth is mine to define and you no longer have the hold on my worth. I’ve released myself from it and will never let it into the hands of another again.

If There is a God, Please Help Her

The girl who’s always smiling can’t find it in her to fake it anymore… She’s exhausted. Please, help her.

She fights every damn day with her demons and right now, they’re winning. The worst part is, there’s no telling what thoughts are racing through her head.

She’s screaming and crying out for help but no one’s really listening to her. Everyday she wakes up she wishes she wasn’t here. Everyday she goes to sleep, she prays she doesn’t wake up.

Everyday is becoming more of an uphill battle that is becoming almost impossible for her to fight. The smiles are less and less. Her laugh is nearly nonexistent. Her depression is taking over. Please God, or I am begging you to save her.

She has a smile that can light up a room and a laugh that is infectious. Please do not let that go to waste. She feels as if she’s fighting a losing battle. Her depression has hold of her and she needs strength and power to beat it.

She feels alone. She feels hopeless. She believes she’s helpless. The world needs more people as selfless and caring as her. Please, help her.

She thinks she’s served her purpose already but she has so much more to do in the world. She feels the walls are closing in on her and no one will help or save her.

She feels like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. She’s managed to push everyone away to a point of no return. This is not who she is or who she worked hard to become. This is depression taking over her already vulnerable and fragile mind.

She’s convinced herself that no one cares about her. She can’t even wrap her head around why anyone would… Without even realizing it, she’s sabotaging everything in her life. Well, her depression is.

She doesn’t want to feel this way. She wants to change and be happy. That’s what she wishes for every time she sees a shooting star. To be lifted from this depression and experience joy.

This girl is on a downward spiral and it’s spinning out of control. To the point where even just the thought of death is comforting to her. It’s giving her a sense of peace from the pain and hurt she feels. I truly hope it’s not too late. No one should feel comforted by the thought of death.

She’s in a very scary place. She’s afraid to be alone because of what she might do. The pain increases as each day goes by. The world needs her and her purpose is not yet fully served.

Please, God, help this girl. Give her the strength to at least put up a fight. She’s so weak and lonely and it’s only a matter of time before she’s lost forever. Then it’ll be too late because her only means of ridding the pain is by getting rid of herself.

The Lies Depression Whispers in my Ear

It waits, lurking in the darkest corners of your mind until you’re vulnerable and unsuspecting. Then, out of nowhere, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Depression is the bully of all bullies, it makes you believe things that could never

1. You’re unworthy…

Depression tells you that you’re not worthy of anyone’s time. You’re not worthy of someone caring about you. It assures you that you’re unworthy of love from another person.

Healthy friendships or relationships? Nope none for you. And when someone shows you otherwise, depression is there waiting to convince you there’s an ulterior motive or hidden agenda.

2. And you’ll never be good enough.

Depression makes you look at every part of yourself negatively. You think you’re pretty? Depression tells you you’re hideous. You think you’re smart? Depression makes you believe you’re dumb.

It can’t wait to tell you that you’re not good enough for someone. Or that you’re not smart enough to graduate. You’ll start believing you’re undeserving of anything good in life. Depression rips your self-esteem apart until there is none.

3. No matter what, it’s always your fault.

According to depression, it’s always going to be your fault. Depression will blame you until you start to automatically think everything is your fault.

Every mistake you make or every wrong you commit, depression is right there to tell you all you are is a mistake. “Nothing you do will ever be right.” it says, “So, stop trying.”

4. Literally no one cares.

Depression is always there… to remind you that no one gives a shit about you. That no one cares if you’re entire world is dark and lonely. Everything you do or say will go in one ear and right out the other, or completely unnoticed.

Depression tells you that you’re invisible, that your opinions and thoughts don’t matter, that no one would notice if you were around or not.

5. You’d be better off dead.

Hoping for a better tomorrow? Depression will be there to tell you tomorrow will be worse than today. It will tell you that life isn’t worth living, that misery will follow you into tomorrow.

Depression will tell you that there are no alternatives to getting better. That taking your life is the only possible solution to end your misery as well as everyone else’s.

But these are all lies. 

None of it is true. Depression wants you to be at rock bottom. It’ll tell you false information just to get you there. And once you’re there, it helps dig the hole deeper and deeper until there’s little to no hope of getting out.

But there is hope, there’s always hope. Don’t let depression lie to you anymore. You can’t help feeling the way you’re feeling, but you can make your own voice louder than depression’s whispers.

Tell yourself 3 truths to combat each lie your head tells you: “No one cares? Yeah right, my mom, my dad and my best friend care more than anything in the world so take that.”

You have to fight every single day, because brighter days are coming, you just have to hold onto the hope and call out depression’s BS whenever you hear it.