The Last Thing Any of us Need is the Someone Who Can’t Make Up Their Mind

When I asked you what we were considered to be or what “we” meant, you dodged the question at all costs. I don’t think I asked a particularly hard question to answer. The truth is, you just didn’t know what you wanted and probably still don’t. I won’t be strung along until you decide whether or not you want to be with me so this whole “us” and “we” is over.

I specifically told you I wasn’t looking for a Facebook relationship change status or to meet your family next week. I wasn’t asking to make things public, I just wanted to know for myself. It had everything to do with my security and understanding of the relationship so that I could be given the chance to continue or walk away.

Because you wanted to toy with my heart and emotions, you just lost a good girl who would have fought for you and the relationship. You gave away someone who is loyal, honest to a fault, loving, caring and generous. But you should know about her generosity, right? after all, it was my generosity that we were able to hang out and see each other, right?

You couldn’t see past your damn self to see that I only wanted some clarity about our relationship for my own peace of mind and sanity. It was always about “I want…” or ” I won’t… ” because it was always about you in your selfish mind.

Maybe had you provided a simple answer, there wouldn’t have been ridiculous arguments or unnecessary discussions and comments. You wanted to think I was acting crazy and emotional when I brought up how I felt rather than address my feelings and move on. You lost a good girl buddy and I don’t feel sorry for you one bit.

I was always thinking about you and making you happy. I did everything I could for you and for us to be together. But I was never at the forefront of your mind for anything. I was simply a passing of time. I was an extra in the movie of your life. What a sad realization that was for me. It’s a hard pill to swallow after opening myself up to you after years of abuse and being treated like shit.

I told you straight up what my intentions were and you said you felt the same. Do you remember that? I specifically told you I wasn’t looking for a husband but I also wasn’t looking for a random booty call or hook up.

I also remember telling you that I wasn’t looking for a husband because I do not intend on getting married, ever. You knew I was looking for something with the potential to grow into something more serious. You said you were on the same page but clearly you weren’t.

You claimed to be “super busy” and “not a lot of free time in my schedule” but if you actually cared and wanted “us” to move forward, you would have found the time and put forth the effort to make it work. I even told you that I would come out by you to see you, regardless of how much time we spent together. There’s no excuse you can use to try and justify your reasoning for not putting in the time and effort.

I made it so easy for you it’s mind-boggling. It was so easy for you emotionally, financially and physically. You didn’t need a penny. I was always there for you and always made sure to ask if there was anything I could do for you. Yet, to get an answer to the simple question of “what are we” or “what does us mean” turned out to be impossible.

What could I have done to have received an answer from you? How many other ways could I have worded it so that you understood what I was asking? I guess it doesn’t even matter anymore. Because I’m walking away unless I get a definitive answer from you, like yesterday.

I’m more pissed that I wasted time and energy on someone who didn’t deserve me. I’m hurt that I allowed myself to open up to someone who could most likely not care whether I was dead or alive.

I deserve to be a priority in someone’s life. I deserve someone who values and respects me enough to tell me the truth and not be afraid to be an honest person. I am worth someone’s time, effort and love. You may not have been that someone and that’s okay. Just be human enough to be honest and straightforward about things rather than string me along and waste my time.

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The Lies Depression Whispers in my Ear

It waits, lurking in the darkest corners of your mind until you’re vulnerable and unsuspecting. Then, out of nowhere, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Depression is the bully of all bullies, it makes you believe things that could never

1. You’re unworthy…

Depression tells you that you’re not worthy of anyone’s time. You’re not worthy of someone caring about you. It assures you that you’re unworthy of love from another person.

Healthy friendships or relationships? Nope none for you. And when someone shows you otherwise, depression is there waiting to convince you there’s an ulterior motive or hidden agenda.

2. And you’ll never be good enough.

Depression makes you look at every part of yourself negatively. You think you’re pretty? Depression tells you you’re hideous. You think you’re smart? Depression makes you believe you’re dumb.

It can’t wait to tell you that you’re not good enough for someone. Or that you’re not smart enough to graduate. You’ll start believing you’re undeserving of anything good in life. Depression rips your self-esteem apart until there is none.

3. No matter what, it’s always your fault.

According to depression, it’s always going to be your fault. Depression will blame you until you start to automatically think everything is your fault.

Every mistake you make or every wrong you commit, depression is right there to tell you all you are is a mistake. “Nothing you do will ever be right.” it says, “So, stop trying.”

4. Literally no one cares.

Depression is always there… to remind you that no one gives a shit about you. That no one cares if you’re entire world is dark and lonely. Everything you do or say will go in one ear and right out the other, or completely unnoticed.

Depression tells you that you’re invisible, that your opinions and thoughts don’t matter, that no one would notice if you were around or not.

5. You’d be better off dead.

Hoping for a better tomorrow? Depression will be there to tell you tomorrow will be worse than today. It will tell you that life isn’t worth living, that misery will follow you into tomorrow.

Depression will tell you that there are no alternatives to getting better. That taking your life is the only possible solution to end your misery as well as everyone else’s.

But these are all lies. 

None of it is true. Depression wants you to be at rock bottom. It’ll tell you false information just to get you there. And once you’re there, it helps dig the hole deeper and deeper until there’s little to no hope of getting out.

But there is hope, there’s always hope. Don’t let depression lie to you anymore. You can’t help feeling the way you’re feeling, but you can make your own voice louder than depression’s whispers.

Tell yourself 3 truths to combat each lie your head tells you: “No one cares? Yeah right, my mom, my dad and my best friend care more than anything in the world so take that.”

You have to fight every single day, because brighter days are coming, you just have to hold onto the hope and call out depression’s BS whenever you hear it.