You May Not Have Thought I Was Worth It, But Someone Will

You may not have thought I was worth the fight. Well, obviously you didn’t because we wouldn’t be where we are right now if you did. I put my worth in the hands of you, a miserable and condescending douche, so I should have known my worth was next to nothing to you. You’re loss. Someone will see my worth and treat me as such.

Every time I brought up my feelings about something or that I was upset, you immediately went on the defense and blamed me. You’re lack of acknowledgment was telling enough of how much you thought I was worth.

You ignored anything I was going through and found something to make it about you. And when you did that, I actually sat there and listened and comforted you as a good girlfriend would. But in hindsight, you didn’t give a shit about anything I went through or any of the struggles I conquered everyday. That says what you thought I was worth. Nothing.

You said I was overreacting and overly sensitive. You said I was reading into things too much. But turns out, I wasn’t. I wasn’t worth the conversation when you decided to up and leave. Goes to show my worth to you throughout the entire relationship.

You never had my back. I was fighting battles that your friends and family started with me while you sat on the sidelines and watched as if it were a match. I wasn’t worth defending in your eyes.

Because of the hell you put me through, I am now the one and only holder of my worth. I have defined my worth and no one will ever be in charge of that again. Side note, it was you that wasn’t worth it.

Someone will appreciate my sarcasm and brutal honesty. Someone will notice the small things I do for them on a consistent basis. You never did and for that, you didn’t deserve me.

There is someone out there who will be able to see past my mistakes and help me instead of throw me to the curb. Someone won’t judge my past or my background and see me for the strong and passionate person I am. You couldn’t see that and clearly it wasn’t worth it to see. But it will be to someone. You’re loss again, buddy.

You’ll never find someone as chill and laid back as me. You’ll never find someone who thinks the world of you and would put you over their own issues any day.

I am for sure worth more than you ever cared to realize. I was the one who was too good for you. You didn’t deserve me or anything I gave you materialistically or emotionally.

So, thanks to you, I’ll never settle for “okay”. I deserve much, much more than I ever gave myself credit for. But because you treated me like a worthless piece of shit, I was able to find my worth from within.

In the end, I ended up gaining so much more without you in my life then when you were in it. My worth is mine to define and you no longer have the hold on my worth. I’ve released myself from it and will never let it into the hands of another again.

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Things To Know Before Falling for the Dive Head First Sassy Girl

I’m warning you, she’ll be challenging but in all the good ways. She will test your limits to see how far she can push. But please know her intention is not to hurt you. She just needs to know if you’re staying or going.

She’s a sassy little lady with a heart of gold but she doesn’t tolerate bullshit. She doesn’t do drama or chaos. Some of it is inevitable but if it becomes habitual, she’ll walk out the door so fast the door won’t have a chance to hit her ass on the way out.

Her sass mouth combined with her “I don’t give a fuck” attitude could get you into some trouble but all in good fun. Her “you can’t phase me” exterior is there to protect her vulnerable and big heart. She needs to know you’re diving in with her if she’s going to allow that part of her to show.

She’s the ride or die chick that asks questions later. She will always be down for you as long as you’re real with her. She’ll do anything and everything in her power and control for you as long as you’re honest and loyal.

Sure, she can be overly sensitive and emotional but that’s only because she’s passionate about everything in her life. If you’re lucky to be in her life and remain there, you’ll see that in no time. And that includes you.

She falls fast but she loves deeply and unconditionally. Love has no limits and has no boundaries. Her love is pure and real once you get it. She’s honest and loyal to a fault at times.

She doesn’t require a lot. She’s not a fan of presents or gifts because she’d take moments and memories over gifts every time. She’ll cherish every moment and take advantage of creating something beautiful out of those moments.

She will show you every single day and every single moment she can how important you are and the love she has for you. She will make an effort each and every day to show you her appreciation and love.

If you ever find yourself lost on your journey, she’ll be there to help you and hold down the relationship until you’re back on track. When she’s committed, she’s in 110% no questions asked.

Divorce isn’t an option for her. She’d rather stay single the rest of her life than give up on someone she loves. If you’re angry with her or hurt about something she did or said, take your sweet ass to the couch (or she’ll go since she’s little and fun size) and you’ll hash it out tomorrow.

You’ll never have to question or doubt her love and loyalty because she’ll show you every day how committed she is to you and us. No matter what, she’ll always have your back and you’ll always have a partner in crime.

The Last Thing Any of us Need is the Someone Who Can’t Make Up Their Mind

When I asked you what we were considered to be or what “we” meant, you dodged the question at all costs. I don’t think I asked a particularly hard question to answer. The truth is, you just didn’t know what you wanted and probably still don’t. I won’t be strung along until you decide whether or not you want to be with me so this whole “us” and “we” is over.

I specifically told you I wasn’t looking for a Facebook relationship change status or to meet your family next week. I wasn’t asking to make things public, I just wanted to know for myself. It had everything to do with my security and understanding of the relationship so that I could be given the chance to continue or walk away.

Because you wanted to toy with my heart and emotions, you just lost a good girl who would have fought for you and the relationship. You gave away someone who is loyal, honest to a fault, loving, caring and generous. But you should know about her generosity, right? after all, it was my generosity that we were able to hang out and see each other, right?

You couldn’t see past your damn self to see that I only wanted some clarity about our relationship for my own peace of mind and sanity. It was always about “I want…” or ” I won’t… ” because it was always about you in your selfish mind.

Maybe had you provided a simple answer, there wouldn’t have been ridiculous arguments or unnecessary discussions and comments. You wanted to think I was acting crazy and emotional when I brought up how I felt rather than address my feelings and move on. You lost a good girl buddy and I don’t feel sorry for you one bit.

I was always thinking about you and making you happy. I did everything I could for you and for us to be together. But I was never at the forefront of your mind for anything. I was simply a passing of time. I was an extra in the movie of your life. What a sad realization that was for me. It’s a hard pill to swallow after opening myself up to you after years of abuse and being treated like shit.

I told you straight up what my intentions were and you said you felt the same. Do you remember that? I specifically told you I wasn’t looking for a husband but I also wasn’t looking for a random booty call or hook up.

I also remember telling you that I wasn’t looking for a husband because I do not intend on getting married, ever. You knew I was looking for something with the potential to grow into something more serious. You said you were on the same page but clearly you weren’t.

You claimed to be “super busy” and “not a lot of free time in my schedule” but if you actually cared and wanted “us” to move forward, you would have found the time and put forth the effort to make it work. I even told you that I would come out by you to see you, regardless of how much time we spent together. There’s no excuse you can use to try and justify your reasoning for not putting in the time and effort.

I made it so easy for you it’s mind-boggling. It was so easy for you emotionally, financially and physically. You didn’t need a penny. I was always there for you and always made sure to ask if there was anything I could do for you. Yet, to get an answer to the simple question of “what are we” or “what does us mean” turned out to be impossible.

What could I have done to have received an answer from you? How many other ways could I have worded it so that you understood what I was asking? I guess it doesn’t even matter anymore. Because I’m walking away unless I get a definitive answer from you, like yesterday.

I’m more pissed that I wasted time and energy on someone who didn’t deserve me. I’m hurt that I allowed myself to open up to someone who could most likely not care whether I was dead or alive.

I deserve to be a priority in someone’s life. I deserve someone who values and respects me enough to tell me the truth and not be afraid to be an honest person. I am worth someone’s time, effort and love. You may not have been that someone and that’s okay. Just be human enough to be honest and straightforward about things rather than string me along and waste my time.

If You Treated People as if They Would Be Gone Tomorrow, How Would It Look?

I’m sick and tired of shitty people. I’m sick of douchebags and users. I’m tired of selfish pricks. I do everything in my power not to hurt people or be mean to people. Isn’t that common? I have found out that it’s really not.

I want everyone to really think about this. If someone is very sick or prognosis is really bad, we tend to be overly kind or helpful. Think about whether or not you would pick up their phone call or not answer and say to yourself “I’ll call them back later”.

How would you treat this person, who has until tomorrow to live, or would you not treat them differently?

I know I’m not perfect and I’d treat that person a lot more fragile and I’d be nicer. Things that I may question or procrastinate on for a friend would not be how I treated someone if they were dying the next day.

I wouldn’t allow them to get up or expend too much energy. I’d get whatever it was they wanted or needed. I’d just be there for that person in anyway I was able to be.

I would be careful not to hurt their feelings. I would ask whether or not they wanted to talk about what was going to happen or not so I didn’t continually mention it and irritate the person.

I would answer their phone calls and texts without question. There wouldn’t be “I’m too busy” because really, when it comes to someone’s life, I’m not too busy ever. If the person asked me to do them a favor, I would.

There may be times in my life right now that I question whether or not to do something for someone. But if that person asked me and I knew they were going to die the next day, I would do it in the snap of a finger.

I would obviously treat them kindly. I’m a kind person in general. I would be empathetic and try to imagine what that person is going through.

I would ask the person if there was anything specific they wanted to do or see. Maybe they want to see a movie or visit a special place. I’d make sure to do what I could for that person who dies tomorrow.

So, how would you be different if you knew a friend or acquaintance was going to die the next day? Would it phase you? Would you not really think you had to treat them differently? Would you be nicer to that person or act the same as you always do?

Thinking about this has got me real emotional and kind of sad. It makes me believe if we approached everyone we know and meet in this way, things would be different.

I think many of the people in the world would be more aware of their actions and behaviors and how they affect others. I also think many would be nicer and care more if we acted as if someone we know or are friends with we’re going to die the next day.

I believe we would take that extra step to do everything in our power not to hurt people. I know I personally would. I definitely know I’d be more careful with my words and my actions so I don’t offend anyone.

Some people are just so self-absorbed in the world that they fail to see how they may be impacting or influencing someone’s life. They can’t see or aren’t aware that their actions and behaviors can negatively affect another person nor do they understand how it may affect them.

I just think people would be more careful and aware of how they act and behave. The world may be a better place to live in if we approached everyone as if they are dead tomorrow. It wouldn’t feel so cold and lonely.

None of us are promised or guaranteed tomorrow. Anything can happen to any one of us at any given time. So, why not treat people as if they know they’re going to die tomorrow? That person may not be around tomorrow. And that’s the reality of the matter.

A Letter to Those I Have Hurt

I know that an apology isn’t nearly enough to make up for the pain and hurt I’ve caused each and every one of you. I know it doesn’t seem like it but I am really trying to be a better person than I was yesterday. There is no excuse or justification for my behaviors or what I’ve said. I own it. And now, I have to deal with the consequences of losing decent and good hearted people.

Growing up, I was bullied by other people. When I reached high school, I was the bully. As much as I regret that part of my life, I can’t take it back. And I want to sincerely apologize to those I treated poorly and unfairly.

I would do absolutely anything to make amends to those I bullied and hurt throughout high school. It eats at me every single day and I pray this reaches those who I need to make amends with.

I talked a lot of shit about people growing up and that didn’t stop til about 5 years ago which, to me, is still pretty recent. I was trying to be cool or act like a tough cookie, but it only made me that much more shallow and cowardly.

There’s no excuse for my actions and my heart breaks because of what I did. You all didn’t deserve that. And I’m truly sorry for talking shit about you for selfish reasons of wanting to be “cool” and “accepted”.

To my ex that I cheated on a long time ago (about 8-10 years ago), I am sorry for ruining the relationship and being selfish in thinking about my wants and needs only and not taking you into consideration. I caused you a lot of heartache and pain. I caused you to have trust issues that may have impacted your relationships after. But I pray and hope you have found someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and not someone like me.

To my ex-fiancé, I don’t know where or why we weren’t destined to be together but I did put forth every ounce of effort to making it work. That doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything wrong. I am sorry for not being fully honest about finances or bringing you in the loop of my plans. I know that you just wanted to be a part of my plan and my life in general but I held you at arms length. Not a day goes by that I don’t beat myself up over it.

To the few who’s presence in my life was short lived, I acted out and acted irrationally. I made false accusations and acted like a total bitch for no reason. I let my insecurities and fear get the best of me. You deserve to know how awesome you are and have people in your life that bring out your awesomeness. It’s going to be a long time before I am able to forgive myself for things I did and said. But please know that I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could. I’ve lost you already but I hope this was a learning experience and that I am different to those I cross paths with in the future.

I owe a million apologies to every member of my family for name calling, not being there all the time and taking advantage of your kindness. It wasn’t until I thought about why I continued to do the same thing over and over again. Of course I was grateful and appreciative of everything you all have done for me but I continued to make the same mistakes rather than own it and fix it. I promise from here on out, I will make the necessary changes in order to better my life and show you my gratitude rather than speak it. I love you all and I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done.

I know I have a long way to go in terms of changing to be a better person. I know it’s hard to believe but I’ve come a long way from who I was before. I’m a work in progress and now that I’m aware of my shitty and rude behaviors and actions, I promise all of you that I will not repeat those same mistakes again.

I hope this reaches all of you. I just want each and every one of you to know how truly sorry I am for hurting you and that I’ll do what I can in my control to make it right. I understand if you all don’t want to hear from me again and I’ll respect your wishes. But I do hope some of you will accept my apology and be a part of my journey to be a better person.

I know what I’ve done wrong in my life and now that I’ve identified those wrongs, I’m going to do everything I can to make things right. I have had more sleepless nights because the thought of hurting you all absolutely crushes my soul to pieces. I’ve cried until there were no more tears to come streaming down my face. I live with such regret. At times, I hate myself for the hurt I’ve put you all through.

Please know that I am deeply sorry for causing you any pain or suffering. I’ll never be the same now that I’ve come to an awareness of my behaviors and actions and how they’ve affected you all. Each one of you hold a special place in my heart that I will cherish for the rest of my life. You all are the reason I will do better tomorrow and the next day until my time comes to an end.