The Last Thing Any of us Need is the Someone Who Can’t Make Up Their Mind

When I asked you what we were considered to be or what “we” meant, you dodged the question at all costs. I don’t think I asked a particularly hard question to answer. The truth is, you just didn’t know what you wanted and probably still don’t. I won’t be strung along until you decide whether or not you want to be with me so this whole “us” and “we” is over.

I specifically told you I wasn’t looking for a Facebook relationship change status or to meet your family next week. I wasn’t asking to make things public, I just wanted to know for myself. It had everything to do with my security and understanding of the relationship so that I could be given the chance to continue or walk away.

Because you wanted to toy with my heart and emotions, you just lost a good girl who would have fought for you and the relationship. You gave away someone who is loyal, honest to a fault, loving, caring and generous. But you should know about her generosity, right? after all, it was my generosity that we were able to hang out and see each other, right?

You couldn’t see past your damn self to see that I only wanted some clarity about our relationship for my own peace of mind and sanity. It was always about “I want…” or ” I won’t… ” because it was always about you in your selfish mind.

Maybe had you provided a simple answer, there wouldn’t have been ridiculous arguments or unnecessary discussions and comments. You wanted to think I was acting crazy and emotional when I brought up how I felt rather than address my feelings and move on. You lost a good girl buddy and I don’t feel sorry for you one bit.

I was always thinking about you and making you happy. I did everything I could for you and for us to be together. But I was never at the forefront of your mind for anything. I was simply a passing of time. I was an extra in the movie of your life. What a sad realization that was for me. It’s a hard pill to swallow after opening myself up to you after years of abuse and being treated like shit.

I told you straight up what my intentions were and you said you felt the same. Do you remember that? I specifically told you I wasn’t looking for a husband but I also wasn’t looking for a random booty call or hook up.

I also remember telling you that I wasn’t looking for a husband because I do not intend on getting married, ever. You knew I was looking for something with the potential to grow into something more serious. You said you were on the same page but clearly you weren’t.

You claimed to be “super busy” and “not a lot of free time in my schedule” but if you actually cared and wanted “us” to move forward, you would have found the time and put forth the effort to make it work. I even told you that I would come out by you to see you, regardless of how much time we spent together. There’s no excuse you can use to try and justify your reasoning for not putting in the time and effort.

I made it so easy for you it’s mind-boggling. It was so easy for you emotionally, financially and physically. You didn’t need a penny. I was always there for you and always made sure to ask if there was anything I could do for you. Yet, to get an answer to the simple question of “what are we” or “what does us mean” turned out to be impossible.

What could I have done to have received an answer from you? How many other ways could I have worded it so that you understood what I was asking? I guess it doesn’t even matter anymore. Because I’m walking away unless I get a definitive answer from you, like yesterday.

I’m more pissed that I wasted time and energy on someone who didn’t deserve me. I’m hurt that I allowed myself to open up to someone who could most likely not care whether I was dead or alive.

I deserve to be a priority in someone’s life. I deserve someone who values and respects me enough to tell me the truth and not be afraid to be an honest person. I am worth someone’s time, effort and love. You may not have been that someone and that’s okay. Just be human enough to be honest and straightforward about things rather than string me along and waste my time.

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The Lies Depression Whispers in my Ear

It waits, lurking in the darkest corners of your mind until you’re vulnerable and unsuspecting. Then, out of nowhere, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Depression is the bully of all bullies, it makes you believe things that could never

1. You’re unworthy…

Depression tells you that you’re not worthy of anyone’s time. You’re not worthy of someone caring about you. It assures you that you’re unworthy of love from another person.

Healthy friendships or relationships? Nope none for you. And when someone shows you otherwise, depression is there waiting to convince you there’s an ulterior motive or hidden agenda.

2. And you’ll never be good enough.

Depression makes you look at every part of yourself negatively. You think you’re pretty? Depression tells you you’re hideous. You think you’re smart? Depression makes you believe you’re dumb.

It can’t wait to tell you that you’re not good enough for someone. Or that you’re not smart enough to graduate. You’ll start believing you’re undeserving of anything good in life. Depression rips your self-esteem apart until there is none.

3. No matter what, it’s always your fault.

According to depression, it’s always going to be your fault. Depression will blame you until you start to automatically think everything is your fault.

Every mistake you make or every wrong you commit, depression is right there to tell you all you are is a mistake. “Nothing you do will ever be right.” it says, “So, stop trying.”

4. Literally no one cares.

Depression is always there… to remind you that no one gives a shit about you. That no one cares if you’re entire world is dark and lonely. Everything you do or say will go in one ear and right out the other, or completely unnoticed.

Depression tells you that you’re invisible, that your opinions and thoughts don’t matter, that no one would notice if you were around or not.

5. You’d be better off dead.

Hoping for a better tomorrow? Depression will be there to tell you tomorrow will be worse than today. It will tell you that life isn’t worth living, that misery will follow you into tomorrow.

Depression will tell you that there are no alternatives to getting better. That taking your life is the only possible solution to end your misery as well as everyone else’s.

But these are all lies. 

None of it is true. Depression wants you to be at rock bottom. It’ll tell you false information just to get you there. And once you’re there, it helps dig the hole deeper and deeper until there’s little to no hope of getting out.

But there is hope, there’s always hope. Don’t let depression lie to you anymore. You can’t help feeling the way you’re feeling, but you can make your own voice louder than depression’s whispers.

Tell yourself 3 truths to combat each lie your head tells you: “No one cares? Yeah right, my mom, my dad and my best friend care more than anything in the world so take that.”

You have to fight every single day, because brighter days are coming, you just have to hold onto the hope and call out depression’s BS whenever you hear it.

If You Treated People as if They Would Be Gone Tomorrow, How Would It Look?

I’m sick and tired of shitty people. I’m sick of douchebags and users. I’m tired of selfish pricks. I do everything in my power not to hurt people or be mean to people. Isn’t that common? I have found out that it’s really not.

I want everyone to really think about this. If someone is very sick or prognosis is really bad, we tend to be overly kind or helpful. Think about whether or not you would pick up their phone call or not answer and say to yourself “I’ll call them back later”.

How would you treat this person, who has until tomorrow to live, or would you not treat them differently?

I know I’m not perfect and I’d treat that person a lot more fragile and I’d be nicer. Things that I may question or procrastinate on for a friend would not be how I treated someone if they were dying the next day.

I wouldn’t allow them to get up or expend too much energy. I’d get whatever it was they wanted or needed. I’d just be there for that person in anyway I was able to be.

I would be careful not to hurt their feelings. I would ask whether or not they wanted to talk about what was going to happen or not so I didn’t continually mention it and irritate the person.

I would answer their phone calls and texts without question. There wouldn’t be “I’m too busy” because really, when it comes to someone’s life, I’m not too busy ever. If the person asked me to do them a favor, I would.

There may be times in my life right now that I question whether or not to do something for someone. But if that person asked me and I knew they were going to die the next day, I would do it in the snap of a finger.

I would obviously treat them kindly. I’m a kind person in general. I would be empathetic and try to imagine what that person is going through.

I would ask the person if there was anything specific they wanted to do or see. Maybe they want to see a movie or visit a special place. I’d make sure to do what I could for that person who dies tomorrow.

So, how would you be different if you knew a friend or acquaintance was going to die the next day? Would it phase you? Would you not really think you had to treat them differently? Would you be nicer to that person or act the same as you always do?

Thinking about this has got me real emotional and kind of sad. It makes me believe if we approached everyone we know and meet in this way, things would be different.

I think many of the people in the world would be more aware of their actions and behaviors and how they affect others. I also think many would be nicer and care more if we acted as if someone we know or are friends with we’re going to die the next day.

I believe we would take that extra step to do everything in our power not to hurt people. I know I personally would. I definitely know I’d be more careful with my words and my actions so I don’t offend anyone.

Some people are just so self-absorbed in the world that they fail to see how they may be impacting or influencing someone’s life. They can’t see or aren’t aware that their actions and behaviors can negatively affect another person nor do they understand how it may affect them.

I just think people would be more careful and aware of how they act and behave. The world may be a better place to live in if we approached everyone as if they are dead tomorrow. It wouldn’t feel so cold and lonely.

None of us are promised or guaranteed tomorrow. Anything can happen to any one of us at any given time. So, why not treat people as if they know they’re going to die tomorrow? That person may not be around tomorrow. And that’s the reality of the matter.

A Letter to Those I Have Hurt

I know that an apology isn’t nearly enough to make up for the pain and hurt I’ve caused each and every one of you. I know it doesn’t seem like it but I am really trying to be a better person than I was yesterday. There is no excuse or justification for my behaviors or what I’ve said. I own it. And now, I have to deal with the consequences of losing decent and good hearted people.

Growing up, I was bullied by other people. When I reached high school, I was the bully. As much as I regret that part of my life, I can’t take it back. And I want to sincerely apologize to those I treated poorly and unfairly.

I would do absolutely anything to make amends to those I bullied and hurt throughout high school. It eats at me every single day and I pray this reaches those who I need to make amends with.

I talked a lot of shit about people growing up and that didn’t stop til about 5 years ago which, to me, is still pretty recent. I was trying to be cool or act like a tough cookie, but it only made me that much more shallow and cowardly.

There’s no excuse for my actions and my heart breaks because of what I did. You all didn’t deserve that. And I’m truly sorry for talking shit about you for selfish reasons of wanting to be “cool” and “accepted”.

To my ex that I cheated on a long time ago (about 8-10 years ago), I am sorry for ruining the relationship and being selfish in thinking about my wants and needs only and not taking you into consideration. I caused you a lot of heartache and pain. I caused you to have trust issues that may have impacted your relationships after. But I pray and hope you have found someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and not someone like me.

To my ex-fiancé, I don’t know where or why we weren’t destined to be together but I did put forth every ounce of effort to making it work. That doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything wrong. I am sorry for not being fully honest about finances or bringing you in the loop of my plans. I know that you just wanted to be a part of my plan and my life in general but I held you at arms length. Not a day goes by that I don’t beat myself up over it.

To the few who’s presence in my life was short lived, I acted out and acted irrationally. I made false accusations and acted like a total bitch for no reason. I let my insecurities and fear get the best of me. You deserve to know how awesome you are and have people in your life that bring out your awesomeness. It’s going to be a long time before I am able to forgive myself for things I did and said. But please know that I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could. I’ve lost you already but I hope this was a learning experience and that I am different to those I cross paths with in the future.

I owe a million apologies to every member of my family for name calling, not being there all the time and taking advantage of your kindness. It wasn’t until I thought about why I continued to do the same thing over and over again. Of course I was grateful and appreciative of everything you all have done for me but I continued to make the same mistakes rather than own it and fix it. I promise from here on out, I will make the necessary changes in order to better my life and show you my gratitude rather than speak it. I love you all and I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done.

I know I have a long way to go in terms of changing to be a better person. I know it’s hard to believe but I’ve come a long way from who I was before. I’m a work in progress and now that I’m aware of my shitty and rude behaviors and actions, I promise all of you that I will not repeat those same mistakes again.

I hope this reaches all of you. I just want each and every one of you to know how truly sorry I am for hurting you and that I’ll do what I can in my control to make it right. I understand if you all don’t want to hear from me again and I’ll respect your wishes. But I do hope some of you will accept my apology and be a part of my journey to be a better person.

I know what I’ve done wrong in my life and now that I’ve identified those wrongs, I’m going to do everything I can to make things right. I have had more sleepless nights because the thought of hurting you all absolutely crushes my soul to pieces. I’ve cried until there were no more tears to come streaming down my face. I live with such regret. At times, I hate myself for the hurt I’ve put you all through.

Please know that I am deeply sorry for causing you any pain or suffering. I’ll never be the same now that I’ve come to an awareness of my behaviors and actions and how they’ve affected you all. Each one of you hold a special place in my heart that I will cherish for the rest of my life. You all are the reason I will do better tomorrow and the next day until my time comes to an end.

This is What the Girl With the Big Heart Deserves

The big-hearted girl deserves the world and more and anyone lucky enough to be with her should consider themselves in the presence of a queen. She deserves someone who gets her and accepts her as she is. Someone who is willing to go that extra step to understand the things about her that puzzle them. Someone who asks more and doesn’t just nod their head and pretend to care.

The girl with the big heart is used to caring for someone else’s feelings before her own so her feelings tend to be last to be validated if at all. She needs someone who can hug her and let her know she’s not alone. Someone who isn’t afraid to see her darkest hour. Someone who knows her true beauty at their best and worst.

Someone who recognizes when she’s wearing her mask to appear okay when in reality, she’s dying inside. She deserves someone who is attentive and recognizes her troubles. Because she won’t ask for anything but in her little comments or mumbling under her breath, there are truths that need to be heard.

She’s a true warrior with a heart of gold that’s been stomped on one too many times. She’s worthy of so much more than she gives herself credit for. The lucky one in her life needs to prove this to her everyday. She’s worth every minute.

The person worth being in her life won’t blow her off or brush off anything she says as if it’s nothing.

She’s the type to carry the world on her shoulders and ask nothing in return. She needs someone to carry her for a change and say “you’re not fighting alone”.

She will do the smallest things for people just to make sure they know they’re special and that she’s thinking of them. It would be nice if she had someone who showed their appreciation consistently for those small things. They do matter.

This girl with a big heart deserves to not be hurt again. She deserves someone who is as selfless as her and will look out for her best interest. Someone who is honest to a fault and won’t lie just to avoid a fight or to prevent her from getting mad. If that’s the reason or justification for lying, you’re obviously doing something wrong. And she doesn’t deserve lies and manipulation. She deserves truth and respect.

This girl wears her heart on her sleeve and she’s worth so much more than she knows. If only she would stop settling and see her beauty would she be able to see her true worth.

She shows kindness where rudeness exists. She shows strength instead of self-pity. She embraces change and doesn’t avoid it. She’s an amazing person and anyone to cross paths with her is lucky. She deserves the guy who will learn the value of life with her.