Depression is Brutal

Every step forward follows three steps back. It never fails. I’ve come to accept that I’ll never be “normal” or that I’ll ever live a “normal” life. I’m okay with that. I could live being and feeling different than everyone else because I’ve done so all my life.

But here’s what I can’t do anymore and I am at a loss on where to go or what path to take. I absolutely cannot deal with the mental torture and imprisonment in my own mind. It’s almost as if I am watching myself die slowly.

I see so many other people happy in life and getting things (like the job they wanted) and seeing their hard work pay off. And please don’t think I want anything but that for them because I want everyone to find happiness and be content in their lives. I just find myself wondering “what did I do to deserve being imprisoned in my own head”?

I just really don’t think I was cut out for this life. At the same time, dying is easy and living is hard. I don’t want to give up the fight to live. And I won’t. But I’m writing this because so many people do not understand the depth of depression and the daily struggle it can be just to open and close your eyes.

At some point, enough is enough. People wonder “how could someone ever take their own life” or “I don’t understand why he/she just couldn’t push through it,”. Thankfully, those people don’t have the battle depression day in and day out and I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy.

No one deserves to be trapped in their own mind. No one deserves the sheer torture and misery of not being able to escape their own unimaginable thoughts and feelings, even if temporarily.

It’s bone crushing. It’s like endless nails on a chalkboard. It is always there. It is there when you wake up and it’s there while you sleep through your dreams and nightmares. No matter how hard you try, depression comes and strips you of the little hope you have left.

I was too greedy to keep a job I loved for a job that pays well. I was too unhealthy to complete my education so now a student loan is in default after multiple attempts to try and get it out of default without going bankrupt. Taking a shower has become exhausting in and of itself let alone trying to be presentable in public.

I find myself questioning my purpose in life because I literally feel like I contribute nothing to this world and people in it. It’s almost like I’m this annoying mosquito that just won’t leave you or anyone else alone.

Every day I wake up is literally the one reminder that I’m still around to be miserable inside and take every fiber of my existence to fake it on the outside.

Oh and guess what Ms. MaryAnne Williamson? I take medication and go to therapy and guess what? This empty feeling, unexplainable and overwhelming sadness is still there. Your experience is different than mine and probably others so please, don’t act as if those of us with depression are just not capable of handling “every day life struggles” because we’ve battled wars against ourselves since the moment we knew we weren’t like everyone else and that it’s not normal to feel this empty, hollow and utterly useless.

And no I don’t think popping a pill fixes depression for all but for those of us with chemical imbalances in our brains, it definitely helps take the edge off. Love can’t fix what is scientifically and anatomically different from what it is supposed to be. Sorry to break that to you. If you are not a credible mental health professional, do not give your unsolicited advice or opinions about mental health. It is potentially damaging to many suffering from depression.

To those who are struggling with depression in this very moment, I feel you. I hear your silent screams. We are trapped in our own mind and no amount of screams or cries for help can be heard. Depression, also known as a monster, makes it so no one can hear you. But even though I can’t hear you, I feel you pounding through my chest, fighting for your life each and every day. And because of that, you are my heroes.

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If There is a God, Please Help Her

The girl who’s always smiling can’t find it in her to fake it anymore… She’s exhausted. Please, help her.

She fights every damn day with her demons and right now, they’re winning. The worst part is, there’s no telling what thoughts are racing through her head.

She’s screaming and crying out for help but no one’s really listening to her. Everyday she wakes up she wishes she wasn’t here. Everyday she goes to sleep, she prays she doesn’t wake up.

Everyday is becoming more of an uphill battle that is becoming almost impossible for her to fight. The smiles are less and less. Her laugh is nearly nonexistent. Her depression is taking over. Please God, or I am begging you to save her.

She has a smile that can light up a room and a laugh that is infectious. Please do not let that go to waste. She feels as if she’s fighting a losing battle. Her depression has hold of her and she needs strength and power to beat it.

She feels alone. She feels hopeless. She believes she’s helpless. The world needs more people as selfless and caring as her. Please, help her.

She thinks she’s served her purpose already but she has so much more to do in the world. She feels the walls are closing in on her and no one will help or save her.

She feels like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. She’s managed to push everyone away to a point of no return. This is not who she is or who she worked hard to become. This is depression taking over her already vulnerable and fragile mind.

She’s convinced herself that no one cares about her. She can’t even wrap her head around why anyone would… Without even realizing it, she’s sabotaging everything in her life. Well, her depression is.

She doesn’t want to feel this way. She wants to change and be happy. That’s what she wishes for every time she sees a shooting star. To be lifted from this depression and experience joy.

This girl is on a downward spiral and it’s spinning out of control. To the point where even just the thought of death is comforting to her. It’s giving her a sense of peace from the pain and hurt she feels. I truly hope it’s not too late. No one should feel comforted by the thought of death.

She’s in a very scary place. She’s afraid to be alone because of what she might do. The pain increases as each day goes by. The world needs her and her purpose is not yet fully served.

Please, God, help this girl. Give her the strength to at least put up a fight. She’s so weak and lonely and it’s only a matter of time before she’s lost forever. Then it’ll be too late because her only means of ridding the pain is by getting rid of herself.

The Lies Depression Whispers in my Ear

It waits, lurking in the darkest corners of your mind until you’re vulnerable and unsuspecting. Then, out of nowhere, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Depression is the bully of all bullies, it makes you believe things that could never

1. You’re unworthy…

Depression tells you that you’re not worthy of anyone’s time. You’re not worthy of someone caring about you. It assures you that you’re unworthy of love from another person.

Healthy friendships or relationships? Nope none for you. And when someone shows you otherwise, depression is there waiting to convince you there’s an ulterior motive or hidden agenda.

2. And you’ll never be good enough.

Depression makes you look at every part of yourself negatively. You think you’re pretty? Depression tells you you’re hideous. You think you’re smart? Depression makes you believe you’re dumb.

It can’t wait to tell you that you’re not good enough for someone. Or that you’re not smart enough to graduate. You’ll start believing you’re undeserving of anything good in life. Depression rips your self-esteem apart until there is none.

3. No matter what, it’s always your fault.

According to depression, it’s always going to be your fault. Depression will blame you until you start to automatically think everything is your fault.

Every mistake you make or every wrong you commit, depression is right there to tell you all you are is a mistake. “Nothing you do will ever be right.” it says, “So, stop trying.”

4. Literally no one cares.

Depression is always there… to remind you that no one gives a shit about you. That no one cares if you’re entire world is dark and lonely. Everything you do or say will go in one ear and right out the other, or completely unnoticed.

Depression tells you that you’re invisible, that your opinions and thoughts don’t matter, that no one would notice if you were around or not.

5. You’d be better off dead.

Hoping for a better tomorrow? Depression will be there to tell you tomorrow will be worse than today. It will tell you that life isn’t worth living, that misery will follow you into tomorrow.

Depression will tell you that there are no alternatives to getting better. That taking your life is the only possible solution to end your misery as well as everyone else’s.

But these are all lies. 

None of it is true. Depression wants you to be at rock bottom. It’ll tell you false information just to get you there. And once you’re there, it helps dig the hole deeper and deeper until there’s little to no hope of getting out.

But there is hope, there’s always hope. Don’t let depression lie to you anymore. You can’t help feeling the way you’re feeling, but you can make your own voice louder than depression’s whispers.

Tell yourself 3 truths to combat each lie your head tells you: “No one cares? Yeah right, my mom, my dad and my best friend care more than anything in the world so take that.”

You have to fight every single day, because brighter days are coming, you just have to hold onto the hope and call out depression’s BS whenever you hear it.